The Adventures Of Ted!
by Nightrosi
Summary: Follow Ted through his adventure of pokemon, including his mom (who's an assassin), Professor Elm (who doesn't talk unless you stand directly in front of him), and his Chikorita (who's wayyyy better than a stupid Salamence). Crack!
1. A Worthy Adversary!

**I'm not completely sure what inspired me to write this...oh well, enjoy.**

**Ted's personality might seem a bit odd, but keep in mind this is CRACK.**

**~Nightrosi**

Some people are really superstitious. People like me. So I should have recognized the signs that today wasn't going to be a good day.

I woke up in a bed that wasn't my own. Sign number one.

The room wasn't mine. Sign number two.

A strange voice was yelling for me to wake up. Sign number three.

Instead of paying attention to the signs, I simply yawned and thought about stuff like _What the hell is going on? _and _I really want a pancake right now._

I jumped up from my bed. Well, even if it wasn't mine, there's no reason I couldn't just check it out. After all, that Wii over there was calling my name. And the television. Never mind that weird looking computer thingy over there. It's not important at all.

Just then, the lady has to yell again. "WAKE UP TED!"

So she knows my name. Interesting. But she ruined my Wii time. _She must be eliminated._

I walked down the steps carefully, making sure she couldn't hear me. Slowly, slowly, _cool these are wooden stairs _I stepped down. When I got to the bottom, I quickly hid behind a handy potted plant.

The lady is wearing a pink apron, but it could very well be hiding explosives. Her fuzzy slippers could possibly be used as weapons. The thing she's cooking...I gasped, it couldn't actually be _poisoned _can it? This enemy was sly.

"SHE MUST BE ELIMINATED!" I yell, getting into the zone. I start practicing my ninja moves.

"Ted?" she called, "What are you doing?"

I was shocked. How could she possibly know I was there? _She's deadlier than she seems...I can't underestimate her._

She turns around. I try and conceal myself, but it's too late. _She's fast! _The lady smiles at me. "I made you waffles today, you'll need your energy!" She sets them on the table.

I gasp. I need my energy? So we were going to fight today...but I wasn't unprepared. She wouldn't know what hit her.

But right now I needed to play along. So I sat down in my chair and pretended to eat the waffles, which were obviously poisoned. I carefully watch her so she can't pull any sneaky moves on me while I'm "eating".

"Why are you staring at me?" She asks.

"Oh, because you're some assassin who's been hired to kill me." I said cheerfully.

She laughs, "Ted, haven't I told you not to play too much video games? I'm your mom, and I need to make sure you grow up correctly."

_My mom? _She even had a story in case the cops got her. _She's good! _"Mom" looks at me oddly, "Why aren't you eating?"

"Not hungry."

"Fine," "Mom" says, "Then you should go to Professor Elm's lab. He has something for you."

I carefully debate about my options. Was this Elm guy and "Mom" allies? Could I be walking into a trap? But just in case, I couldn't pass up help. I bet he had developed some super-secret weapon that could only be shown in person.

_Here I go then!  
_

When I get to Elm's lab, the Professor is standing in the back staring blankly into space. "Hey!" I say, "You wanted to show me something?" He doesn't move. I wave a hand in front of his face. He still doesn't respond. _Hm. Odd person._

I finally see a sign on the wall. **To Talk to People Stand Directly In Front Of Them**

Oh yeah, I forgot about that! I'm pretty sure that was how we talked to people in the real world too.

I stand in front of him. But he still doesn't saying anything. _Oh yeah, I have to stand __**directly **in front! _I position myself a little more to the right. Then to the left. For a half-hour, all I do is move from left to right trying to be right in front of him.

Then I get the position right and Professor Elm comes to life.

"Here!" "Professor Elm" says, "Take one!" He points at some red and white balls.

_Hmmm..._I carefully decide what I should choose. _I should use my X-ray vision to see what's inside them! _Carefully, I open my eyes as wide as they can go, activating my X-ray vision. Hm..I didn't see anything different, the pokeballs must be completely solid! I know my x-ray vision works, I tested it on glass, so it must be that.

I picked one randomly. "How about this one?"

"Good choice!" Professor Elm says. He opens the pokeball. _What? Aren't they completely solid? _And out comes a Salamence. "Boring!" I yell. That thing didn't look strong at all!

"Woops! Sorry wrong one." Elm picks out a different one. Out comes a green thing. It has a leaf on its head.

_Sweet! This thing looks WAY deadlier than the other one. _

I lope out the door with my new thing. "Its name is Chikorita!" Elm shouts.

_Ah whatever, I'm calling it..._I thought long and hard. I knew this name had to be perfect for it...INFERNO! _Yes, Inferno's an awesome name for this...thingy. _

"Okay, Inferno!" I yelled, "Let's go on our pokemon adventure!"

Just as I'm about to leave, Professor Elm blocks the way. "Shouldn't you go tell your mom you're leaving?"

"Hell no!" I hollered. Then I tried to barge past him. He blocks my way again.

"Shouldn't you go tell your mom you're leaving?" he repeats.

I try and get past him. Under the arm, blocked. Running past, blocked. Sneaking past, blocked. Even when I dug a hole under him, he popped up in my tunnel.

"Shouldn't you go tell your mom you're leaving?"

I give up. After all, if "Mom" tried anything sneaky, Inferno would protect me. I could already tell we made an awesome team. She even tried killing me every few seconds. _We have such a great bond! _

"Mom" is waiting for me at home. "Hey," I said casually, "I'm going on an adventure and when I come back I'm going to kill you!"

"Mom" smiles at me. "That's wonderful dear! Would you like me to save money for you?"

I frowned, "Um...okay." I wasn't entirely sure what that meant. As long as she didn't go and spend it on random items and send them to me everyday, then I suppose it was okay.

Inferno looked impatient so I hurried out the door. "Wait!" Mom yells, "You forgot your pokegear!" I snatch it from her outstretched hand and study it as I'm running. It didn't resemble anything like a bomb..._I'll keep it. Maybe it'll be useful._

Professor Elm had finally stopped blocking the path, so I sped past him.

_Let my pokemon adventure begin!_

**How was it? Please please please review! **

**~Nightrosi**


	2. Who Said Pokecenters Weren't Deadly!

**Yup, this is gonna be a multi-chaptered fic! =) Thanks for reviewing everyone!**

**This will mostly follow the storyline of the games HeartGold and SoulSilver, except with minor adjustments. (Ted's mom, Ted himself, etc) Some things will also happen at different points/not happen at all because I don't completely remember what happens in the games.**

**~Nightrosi**

After finally getting out of New Bark Town, I faced with an extremely tough challenge. It was...my very first block of grass!

I stared at it, sizing it up. The grass waved in the wind, as if saying _Come and get it stupid. _Yes, the grass was deadly. Very deadly indeed. Who knew what horrors I could find? I got chills down my spine when I remembered what pokemon lived in this area...could it be...the fearsome monster..._Pidgey? _

But however scary this block of grass was, I couldn't let it defeat me. I raised my foot up into the air, and _stepped into it. _But then Inferno pushed me and I fell straight into the grass.

"What was that for Inferno?" I asked, "It was an accident right?"

Inferno growls. Since I knew PokeTalk, I knew she was saying, "Yup! It was an accident!"

"That's okay!" I replied, "Just be more careful!"

Inferno makes some sort of hissing noise and starts clawing at my leg. _She's reminding me to get up! How smart of her!_

I slowly got up.

**l~*~l**

About halfway to the next town, A Town, I think it was called, I meet my first trainer. He stands on the side of the road, impassive. But I'm not afraid! I run straight pass him...well almost. I hit an invisible wall.

The trainer walked over to me. "I CHALLENGE YOU TO A POKEMON BATTLE!" he yelled.

"I DON'T ACCEPT!" I yelled back since he was clearly deaf if he was yelling so loudly.

"WELL TOO BAD! YOU'RE GONNA FIGHT ME ANYWAY!"

"NO I'M NOT!"

"WHY NOT?!"

"I DONT FEEL LIKE IT!"

"WELL I DON'T CARE!"

This went on for an half hour. Then I thought of a brilliant idea!

"Inferno!" I ordered, "Use Leaf Storm!"

Inferno looked at me like I was crazy. Instead of spewing awesome leaves, she went up and tried to tackle the trainer. She accidentally gouges the trainer's eyes out. _Woopsies! _

The trainer fell over and started screaming. _I knew Inferno could do it! _

He was still rolling around screaming when we left. _He'll be okay after getting a good night's sleep. _I thought. _That's what my mom used to say. _

**l~*~l**

No other trainers challenged me. I must be so intimidating they were frightened! Or maybe it was the blood coating Inferno's paws. Nah, it must be me.

I came across my first wild pokemon when I was almost to the town. It had a long tail which it was somehow balancing on, and was brown. _Sentret. A worthy adversary.  
_

Inferno seemed to agree with me. She waited for me to say something.

"Inferno!" I order, "LEAF STORM!"

Instead, Inferno tackled it. _Hm...is she defective? I might have to have her tested later..._

After Inferno tackles the Sentret, it drops to the ground defeated. _That was quick. Oh well, whatever!__  
_

**l~*~l**

Once I get to A Town, I find an old man standing in front of the entrance to it. He ran up to me and started talking. **  
**

"Hello! You look very dumb. Therefore, I have to show you all the aspects of this town which is about ten miles across lest you get lost. By the way, check out my kooool shoes."

"What?" I asked checking out his shoes. _Kooooool_

The old man doesn't respond. Instead he runs off. _  
_

_He must be a spy from "Mom" to check up on my progress! That explains the running away and kooooool shoes._

Inferno starts trying to strangle me. _She has such a great sense of humor_

I quickly jog to the PokeHeal center. I have to shield my eyes to prevent the sunshine and rainbows that are exploding out of it. I somehow stumble to Nurse Joy's desk.

"Heal her!" I scream gesturing to Inferno.

"Hello, what would you like me to do?" She asks politely. I cough. The PokeHeal Center is so cheerful sparkles are emanating out of everything. In fact, even Nuthe Joy is sparkly.

"HEAL HER!" I gestured again at Inferno.

"Okay!"

She puts it in the machine. After some suspuscious boop beeps, the PokeBall comes out. Inferno is returned to me. I then notice something about her...

"YOU'RE SPARKLY!" I yell at Inferno.

Nurse Joy beams. "Do you like it? It's my new glitter powder. It spilled everywhere so..."

I run out of the PokeHeal Center.

"Geez," I gasped, "That was an awful place Inferno. If I had stayed in there any longer, I would have suffocated!"

Suddenly, Inferno seems focused on pushing me back into the PokeHeal Center.

"No, no Inferno." I coax her back. "Do you want to go beat up pokemon now? Maybe you could even gouge out some more eyes."

Inferno doesn't answer. She's too busy chewing on my leg. "Do I taste good?" I asked her. I think I hear a muffled "awesome" come from her.

I'm flattered that she thought so much of me. "Thanks Inferno! I know you'll always be there for me."

I stand there for a few moments, lost in thought.

Suddenly a sharp pain shoots up my leg. "Ow!"

**Hope you liked it! Please review, follow, and favorite! :)**

**~Nightrosi**


	3. Grass is Very Dangerous Sometimes!

**Thanks for the reviews! **

**:) I'm kinda abandoning my other stories for this one haha, but whatever! I found out that I like writing crack A LOT!**

**Please follow, favorite, and review if you like this story!**

**~Nightrosi**

I have decided something important. Today is the day I will catch my second pokemon! But first I have to consult Inferno.

"Inferno," she is currently chewing my ear, "What should our second teammate be?"

"Mmfph." She replies. She must be enjoying the ketchup I put on my ear for her.

Hm...I have to think. What was she trying to say? A Munchlax? A Spearow? A piece of grass? That must be it! I remember how scared I was of the first fear some block of grass I had encountered. _I want other trainers to feel the same fear when battling me!_

I hurried out of the town, ignoring the old guy who wants to lend me his "kool" shoes. I then walk to the side of the road and prepare to capture my new team member.

On my first few tries, the pokeball bounces off the grass like I was just throwing at a random plant or something. But then I captured something!

I press the button eagerly anticipating the piece of grass. _It's name has to be perfect...I got it, Grass!_

Grass comes out of the pokeball. It looks like a piece of grass other than the fact that it is brown, has wings, a beak, and huge eyes. "Hoot hoot," He chirps.

Inferno growls at Grass. "Oh, you're just shy." I patted her. "Go and greet our new team member!"

Grass chirps again. "Hoot hoot."

"Grrr"

"Hoot hoot."

"Grrrrr"

"Hoot hoot."

"Grrrrrr"

"Hoot- "

But Grass doesn't get to say his final "hoot" before he is knocked the ground and has his eyes gouged out. _Hm...nice to see my pokemon are getting along!_

Grass lies there for a while. I poke him. He was so exhausted he fell asleep! I would have my first battle with him tomorrow. But for now, I put him back into the pokeball.

Whistling happily, I turn to go sleep on a random tree. "What a wonderful day it's been!"

**l~*~l**

I couldnt wait to battle with Grass today. But Professor Oak had to tell me to come back to his lab for some reason. Whatever, I'll just test his skills with the trainers on the sidelines!

I spot my first trainer and hurry over to her. However, she ignores me.

"HEY!" I yell, since all trainers are apparently hard of hearing,"I WANNA BATTLE!"

"Aren't you the one who's Chikorita gouged out someone's eyes?" She asks looking scared. I wondered what a Chikorita was. Guess I had a rival in eye-gouging!

"NAH. INFERNO WOULD NEVER HURT A FLY." I yell.

"mmkay then..."

She first sends out a Pidgey. I am frozen to the ground in fear. A PIDGEY! Those things scared me...some people would never know the terror of a Pidgey...

"Go Grass!" I yell throwing the pokeball. Out comes Grass. He falls onto the ground not getting up. _Looks like he's the lazy type. _

The other trainer looks at me weirdly. "Um..."

"Grass!" I shout, "Use Tackle!"

Grass doesnt respond.

"Growl!"

No response.

"Drill Peck!"

The girl is getting impatient now. "That's a dead pokemon! It's not going to do anything you idiot!"

Suddenly, Grass perks up. His eyes still closed, he flies over to the Pidgey and starts pecking rapidly. "See?" I yell,"TOLD YOU HE WASNT DEAD!"

The Pidgey has fainted, but Grass is still pecking away. "STOP IT!" shouted the trainer. "Piddy is going to get hurt! I'm sorry I said you were dead!"

The moment she says "dead", Grass slumps to the ground. He doesn't move. _Hm...how interesting. _

Then I just realize something. I just won my first pokemon battle!

"YAY!" I scream.

"You monster!" The girl screeches at me then runs away. What a coward.

**l~*~l**

I'm almost back to Oak's lab when another trainer attacks me.

"BATTLE BATTLE BATTLE." He chants.

"OKAY OKAY OKAY." I chant back.

"Go Grass!" The Hoothoot comes out and slumps to the ground.

"Go Ratatata!" the trainer yells. A purple mouse comes out. "Use Tackle Ratatata!"

The mouse "tackles" Grass. But now it's MY turn.

"MWAHAHAHA!" I cackle evilly. "Grass! You're a dead!"

Grass flies to the Ratatata and starts pecking away. It looked like Pidgey's skin was tougher than Ratatata's, cause blood starts pooling on the ground before the trainer runs in to get Grass off of him.

"WAHHHHH" he cries.

_Hmmmm, should I call Grass off? That would be the right thing to do right? _After thinking about it for about three seconds, I come to a decision.

_Nah, I don't really feel like it._

I leave the trainer crying over his dead Ratatata. Grass faints when the Ratatata dies.

l**~*~l**

When I get to the lab, Professor Oak is waiting for me. He's standing there in front of the machine again. _  
_

This time, I'm prepared. I bought a 3,000 poke ruler just for this reason. I measure his exact middle and stand in front of him. This time, he comes to life on my three hundredth time! What an improvement.

"Ted!" he says, "I have an egg for you. Deliver it to the guy who lives in a house next to a cave."

"Okay!" I said taking the egg from him.

A few minutes later I'm happily enjoying some homemade scrambled eggs with Inferno and Grass.

Mmmm...this tasted good. I should DEFINITLEY make more of these sometime.


End file.
